I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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