You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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