I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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