A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
