I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
