How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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