I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
