wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
