I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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