look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize