is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
