what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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