This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
