No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
