last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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