took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
