i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
