I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
