You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I am one with the molecules
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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