we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
