just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
