Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
