i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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