just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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