Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
