My Higher Power is John Stamos
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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