I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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