I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
