What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
