There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
