Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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