Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
