my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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