Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
