WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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