please come you make the beer taste better
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
