Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I supernannyed him into submission
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
