Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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