Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize