I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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