I was born with a shot glass in my hand
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
home. puking in laundry basket.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
