apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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