Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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