Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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