i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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