So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
