once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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