I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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