I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
is that a dick in a sweater?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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