Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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