Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
