what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
