dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Fuck me I smell like cheese
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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