Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize