The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
