I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's never too late to be topless.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
