Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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