i would punch a child for taco bell
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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