you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
