I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm passing your future prison.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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