you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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