Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
