um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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