i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
