the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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