I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
