i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
there is glitter all over my balls
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