i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
