One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
