Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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