I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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