Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
