what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
