You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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